I can't believe it's not a democracy!

Because nothing says "it's Hanukkah!" like a pasty white old mormon singing about the festival of lights:

And yes, that is Senator Orrin Hatch. He wrote the lyrics. Feel free to send this to your jewish friends. God knows I did.

The rich really are different than us:

Louis Vuitton makes a first aid kit.  Here it is:

a

Because one must properly store one's emergency Xanax, that's why.   

Aging whores offer to stick lubed speculae up assholes, allow spectators to view sphincters for cash:

George W. Bush Will Debate Bill Clinton. For money, of course. Real money. Like $60 to $1,250 a pop. Here's the kicker: the debate is part of "the third annual "Minds That Move The World" series." Not kidding.

Update: Bush Vs. Clinton Debate Called Off. Here's the surprise--Clinton withdrew. No doubt Poppy Bush asked his favorite former president to do him a favor and spare the family the embarrassment of having W try to, um, debate a human with more than two neurons. And you know Bill said, "anything for you Poppy." The longer he is out of office, the more I can't stand Bill.

Give this headline writer a raise!

Cannibal who killed three had seemed normal, NHS finds. No doubt Chuck Grassley or Max Baucus use this story as proof that national health care is doomed to failure. And the media will run with it. Because repeating talk points is what they do best.

I'm guessing this bank hired their chief of security from the Homeland Security Department:

No thumbprint, no money, bank tells armless man.

Interesting:

Contact lost, India terminates first moon mission. You know what would be funny? If India had to outsource mission communications to the U.S. Hahahahahahaha. Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Yeah, this will work:

Rupert Murdoch plans charge for all news websites by next summer. I hope this evil old man lives long enough to see his empire crash and burst into flames.

Not quite "I did not have sex with that woman," but close:

Berlusconi denies paying for sex. You see, Berlusconi is offended that anyone would claim that he, a 72-year old scumbag, would actually have to pay these much younger women for sex. Said Berlusconi: "I have never paid a woman," adding, "I've never understood what satisfaction there is other than that of conquering [a woman]." Nice. Only Berlusconi could make Bill Clinton and most republicans look like princes.

Thanks to Jim for the link.

Well, they do promise to give folks a boost:

Hong Kong officials have found traces of cocaine in cans of Red Bull, a few days after Taiwanese authorities confiscated close to 18,000 cases of the popular energy drink

(AFP/File/Guillaume Baptiste)

No doubt he thought it was funny at the time:

Hair In Food Leads To Jail. The headline seems innocuous, no? But then you read a little further and you realize that the new convict, Thomas Bender, made a huge error in judgment. The Wheeling News-Register reports: Thomas Bender will spend six months in prison for tampering with a sandwich that was served to a law enforcement officer.

Ok, first mistake: Bender tampered with a cop's sandwich. Still, six months for a hair on a sandwich? That seems harsh. At first. Then you read exactly what this mope did. Namely: [T]he former Wendy's employee...placed his own pubic hair on the sandwich of a Marshall County sheriff's deputy. Ruh-roh.

If being stupid was a felony, Bender would be looking at life behind bars. As it is, he was very lucky. Why? Well, as the article notes, the officer didn't actually eat Bender's pubic hair because he noticed it before he took a bite. Said the court, "the sentence would have been more stringent if the deputy had eaten the sandwich."

Well, he won't do that again. There's that.