I can't believe it's not a democracy!

God I hate my fucking neighbor.

And I am being literal.  A tenant in my building has a very loud girlfriend.  Despite my calling out "shut your fucking window" at least four times, apparently they (a) don't care or (b) get off on knowing that everyone--and I mean everyone--can hear them having very loud sex.  What makes this worse is that the girlfriend's screams sound like she is being assaulted.  In fact, the first time I heard her I almost called 911, but then it became clear that she wasn't being assaulted.  It's clear that my attempts to shut them up weren't that effective, as they continue to have loud sex by the window.  But I think things may have turned the corner, because today when she started up I yelled the following: will you fake your orgasm already!  My comment was followed by immediate silence.  Crossing my fingers that today is the last day that I have to put up with this crap.  

How to get your neighbor to control her yappy dog:

There is a woman who lives in my building who has a yappy Pomeranian.  Her name is Anna (the dog, not the neighbor).  Now I love dogs, but I am partial to dogs that look like dogs.  Pomeranians are cute, but they look like cats pretending to be dogs.  That said, I don't dislike small dogs, I just favor real dogs.  Unfortunately, Anna gives all small dogs a bad name, because she yaps for hours on end.  And even though she is living on the fifth floor of my building, I can hear her quite clearly on the second floor.  So can everyone around us.  And I mean everyone. 

So yesterday evening I hear the yapping begin.  Once the yapping starts I know that I will soon hear neighbors shouting "shut that damn dog up" or "will you make it stop?"  Usually these pleas are ignored.  Usually.  You see, yesterday evening wasn't a usual day.  One very clever neighbor figured out exactly what needed to be said to get Anna's owner to shut her up.  "Pull your dick out of that dog's asshole," he shouted.  The yapping immediately stopped and did not occur again for the entire evening.  Thank you clever, disgruntled neighbor.  You are a god among men.     

It has been relatively quiet

around here lately. By here, I mean my apartment. Eric, my neighbor from the building next door, hasn't had his asshole reamed by his girlfriend in weeks. But all good things must come to an end, no? She has been ragging on him, screeching and screaming for the last half hour or so. And she's getting louder. It is 11:00 p.m. and my bed time is approaching, but even with the window firmly shut I can hear her ram her unlubed foot up Eric's rectum. I stopped feeling sorry for him a while ago. Maybe he deserves it, maybe not--I don't care. He chooses to put up with this shit, but me, I'm getting tired of these outbursts. Why do people put up with this (and by people I mean Eric)? This isn't a rhetorical question. I'm really asking. Any thoughts?

I knew it was too good to last.

As I've written before, I have neighbors who live in the building next door who are, how you say, hard to love. For a while there, Eric, the boyfriend/husband, would have his asshole reamed out by his girlfriend/wife about every three or four days. Loudly. Each time she reamed him it sounded as if she was truly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And then, about a month ago, it stopped. Did Eric finally reach his breaking point and end the relationship? Or did she finally get the therapy she so dearly needed? Who gives a shit, it's quiet. Ah, sweet silence.

Well, all good things come to an end. Here I am, typing at on my keyboard, wishing that I could stop her from yet another screaming jag. Make that a screeching jag. Why does he put up with it? Part of me is convinced that either her family is very rich or she gives the world's best blow job, because I cannot understand why he stays. No doubt he too is horribly flawed, but his flaws don't effect me so, to be frank, I do not care. My friend John suggested that I get one of those boating horns. You know, the type that boaters used to signal the Coast Guard when they are drifting at sea. I'm leaning towards sending them a ball-gag. Any other ideas?